Unequivocally Ambiguous

satirical cultural critiques

You Have to Shove a Bird Up Your Ass

by | May 24, 2022 | Satire | 0 comments


Life’s most valuable lessons spring from thought experiments involving the choice between two equally-challenging options.

For example, in 20 minutes from now, you have to shove an entire bird up your ass.


The size of the bird doesn’t matter, as that depends on your level of ass shoving proficiency. All that matters is that you understand what it will be, head or talons?

Fascinating thought experiment, right? It clearly epitomizes the artistic dilemma many ordinary citizens face every day: form over function.

When it comes to function, one can only assume you’d grab the bird and shove it up your ass, head first.

There are reasons for this, the head starts small, and as the bird gets in deeper, it widens with the body, which will give you a chance for your insides to expand with the burrowing.

There’s also the unparalleled logistics benefit. The talons will be hanging from your butt. This will allow easy bird removal and resumption of your life as a closeted bird fancier sicko.

But, not aesthetically pleasing. No, siree Bob!

If anyone were to take a picture, it would look like a bird was climbing into its nest after a long workday, peacocking and whatnot, and you decided to close your sphincter to spite him, cutting off breathing and circulation, and on rare occasions — tight ass disease for instance — even beheading the defenseless animal.

On the other hand, when we consider form, there’s the challenge posed by tail and talons being more prominent and broader than the head. This makes for an uncomfortable enterprise.

But, you know, folks, nothing worth pursuing in life comes easy. It all requires a quota of sacrifice, sweat, tears, and lube.

But, benefits are plentiful in this scenario because the bird’s head will be sticking out of your ass.

Now, Imagine this day:

  • You are going about your business, and some fool upsets you
  • For example, you’re fired for all the inappropriate jokes you made during your last Zoom call.
  • Well, you’re TOTALLY prepared —
  • Twirling around, you whip your trousers down and …
  • And what’s there, taking a peek and a tweet betwixt cheeks?
  • A bird’s freaking head! That’s what. Seeming to fly outta your ass.

Your boss was wrong!

You don’t lack initiative or creativity. Boss just didn’t know how to tap into your core strengths and harness the power of your commitment.

Look at this example.

You took mooning to a whole new level. You can even say you gave it wings.

A serious drawback of this approach is that you’ll have to do the bird-in-ass trick every morning until the day your company supervisors realize you suck at everything in life.

And, while aesthetically superior to the head-first-up-the-ass approach, it is logistical inferior because while pulling the bird by the head, you can snap it in two. Then you won’t have enough time to make it to the hospital before dying of a nasty infection.

Talk about the Avian Ass Flu.

Whatever you decide, please remember to wash your hands. It is of the utmost importance — COVID and all. Don’t be gross. We are not savages.

Remember the words of Pope Francis as you make a decision, “A bird in the hand is worth less than a bird in the ass.”

Disclaimers: This is not health or medical advice. You are responsible for your health and hygiene practices.

Also, no birds   were harmed while pursuing this philosophical advancement.


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